It’s Not Enough
Twitch’s death hit me hard. Like Anthony Bourdain, Robin Williams, Kate Spade, and so many more, they had it all, and it wasn’t enough.
Talented, rich, loved by millions, and the freedom that brought them, wasn’t enough.
It wasn’t enough
The lives that I, and so many, dream of.
The lives we think will make everything “better.”
The lives we strive for, hoping to get out of our gloom.
The lives that fill us with hope for our tomorrows.
“If only I…” <won the lottery, became famous, made millions, etc.)
It wasn’t enough.
So, they decided to end their pain, passing it on to millions of us.
But, I’m sure they felt utterly alone.
For most of my life I suffered from, “If only <fill in the blank> I would be happy.”
Whether I was broke or financially comfortable, single or committed, loads of friends or alone.
There was always an “I’d be happy if…”
Always.
I’m not sure if it was the hope I needed to get through things.
Or what I lacked to make the challenges more palatable.
But, regardless, I wasn’t present.
I’m don’t know how many things I missed out on, while I just trying to get over the next hurdle.
Perhaps I completely missed many lifelines or angels that could have made things easier.
I was so focused on the goal of “happiness” that I missed out on being happy.
I think that’s what Twitch et al, must have realized.
Even with all their dreams coming true and “having it all” it meant nothing; the pain was still there.
Instead of their dreams making them happy, it only amplified their sadness.
Because at some point, their “happiness” became a product, not the goal.
A product for all of us to buy; their souls distributed to the masses.
Their smiles for sale, and we’re active consumers buying the American dream that gave them the happiness we yearn for.
It’s a lie.
Capitalism collapses when the truth that “money doesn’t buy happiness” is exposed as more than just a cliché.
The smiles of the children in third-world countries and our suicide rates, prove it.
So, Twitch’s death forced me to reexamine, “If they had it all, and it wasn’t enough, what hope do I have?”
My only answer, is to invert the question that robbed so much from me: “If I only…”
I had to change it from my happiness being tied to a person, place or thing, to me.
What is within my control, right now?
So, now I focus on my own what ifs…
“If I’d only stayed present.” Which reminds to be present.
“If I only valued the moment.” There’s something beautiful about every one of them, and now I remember that
“If I only saw the riches of today and not the demands of tomorrow.” Centering and reminding me that everything will be OK.
Because having everything that Twitch and the rest of them had, and still being so sad, is my greatest fear.
Being forced to smile or everything could be lost, costing all my glory and riches, would make me yearn for days just like today — when I was dreaming of the future.
Dreams have a price too, and happiness is never guaranteed.
Unless, your happiness is based on things that can never be taken away.
